Finally, I'm a YouTuber?

So, lately I've been pretty active on my YouTube channel youtube.com/user/SueAnnaJoe. I've had that account since 2006. That was 14 years ago! Crazy. I was active on my DeviantArt and MySpace back then. But I didn't really post much on it. My most remembered video was me talking about my camera gear wearing a blue wig. 

Fast forward to today, I am now posting art contents. Mostly of me doodling, and LIVE streams as well. I do have some other videos posted, but I plan to make this channel heavy towards art stuff. I hope this isn't just another one of my phases (hangat-hangat tahi ayam).

While I'm at it, lemme just plug in my videos here. Let's start about my lame app review. It has the most views on my channel. The app is a camera app called NOMO. I think I should create an updated version as the one I did a review on is an earlier release. 

After this app review, I made a couple more but deleted it. And this was uploaded in 2018. 

Then, I posted like, 2 vlogs of places I went with my family. One is Farm in the City, the other is, Pustaka Peringatan P. Ramlee. Then didn't post anything for a while. 

Which brings me to this video, it's just me reading out one of my blog posts, haha. But I kinda made it fancy-ish with the video and subtitles. 

Theeeennnnn,  I posted a quick video of the Silhoutte Cameo 4, showing how it does a sketch. Have yet to fully explore this Cameo yet. Planning to produce stickers and a bunch of other things with it. When I do, will most definitely YouTube it. 

And now, I enjoy doing LIVE streams of me doodling. I've been doing it for a while now, but not through YouTube. I use Omlet Arcade to stream. I've tried streaming to Twitch, Facebook and YouTube. I think streaming at YouTube, followed by Facebook is my preference. Sometimes I talk, sometimes I've the audio muted during my LIVE streams. Either cause my kids are playing and being extra loud, or, I stream in the middle of the night before I sleep, so everyone else is sleeping, and I don't wanna wake 'em up. Here are my streams:

Followed by these streams, I published a bunch of other videos all related to my doodles and art stuff. In my head, I have so many things planned for this channel. And really hoping to grow it, big enough to be able to earn from it. Always thinking of ways to make an income from home. So, here are the videos I have so far. Check 'em out, and please do subscribe! Alrite, that's all. Love ya'all, byeeeee! 

The art of letting go and moving on

There are times when you just wish you could erase certain memories. Memories that have caused you pain, sadness, perhaps even sparked a vengeful hatred. To fix mistakes that you've made. That you could go back in time, and choose another path in life, one that you'd think would be a better choice. 

But that is how life is, you can never reverse time. You can never erase your past. You can only learn from your past, let go and move on.

It's not easy. Especially when your past keeps on haunting you. You can't just simply let go because it just hurts you so much, because it has left such a huge impact, a painful wound leaving the deepest scar that you just can't seem to get rid of. 

The choices you've made, you can't undo. So all you have left is to face it, accept it, let go and move on. Either that, or just allow the past to be a burden that you'll carry the rest of your life. 

Letting go is not easy, but it's easier when you let go. 

I've tried letting go, yes it does make things easier. But boy was it tough. And to be honest, you can't truly/entirely let go. There will still be bits of pieces of the past left inside of you. It's just something you can't completely delete. But it's okay. Take those bits and pieces, repaint them, rebuild them, to create something better, to make a better you. And most importantly, not to repeat those mistakes you've made in the past.

Recently, I decided to no longer accept commissions. I had to refund a number of bookings. I thought I was able to complete them within a certain duration, unfortunately I became overwhelmed, extremely stressed which resulted my in a huge mental block, where I was unable to draw. 

This, has always been a problem I have been struggling with since a very very long time. I am not good at handling pressure, deadlines, to the point I just give up entirely. The stress is so much I fall into a depressive state and unable to function like a normal person. I would distract myself from the actual work in hopes to get into the mood and zone only to stray further away. 

And I end up beating myself about it, crying, feeling dissapointed, huge amount of guilt of not being able to complete.

Replying text messages, email, answering the phone was extremely difficult for me, it was such a daunting task. I would then just get so tired and exhausted, I'd sleep. Rather than trying to face my problems, resolving it, I just quit. I had no energy to do it.

This affected me throughout my life, cost me clients, made it hard for me to earn, and one of the major reasons I had to shut down my photography & design studio; Itudio Studio (after spending my lifetime savings setting it up).

So, then my life got crazy. And slowly I tried fixing it. And there is still so much to fix and improve on. But I believe I am a bit better.

Unfortunately recently my old attitude came about again with those commissions. My last customer made me realize that I have to do something about it and not let history repeat itself.

Knowing that I am unable to handle such stress, accepting commissions is just not for me. I will end up disappointing clients, which in the end disappoints me and makes me feel like a huge failure.

Which made me to finally decide that I should stop what I've been doing. Let go and move on. Because it isn't working out. It just isn't for me.

And as soon as I made that decision. I suddenly felt a huge burden off my shoulders. My mind was so much more clearer and am now so inspired and feel productive.

For me, being able to complete anything is a huge accomplishment! And within such a short time frame really is such an amazing feeling. The feeling of satisfaction is so motivating and positive.

So learn to let go, when to say no and when to say yes. And with that you will be able to move on. And even if you look back, you'll be strong enough to not let your past haunt you and drag you down.

{Sue Anna Joe}