Pandemic and the emotional roller coaster

Between the Petals by Sue Anna Joe
Digital painting done in Procreate
Based on photo reference (Pixabay from Pexels)

Hasn't been a great week for me to be honest. Been struggling a bit. I think this whole pandemic, MCO, is definitely taking a toll on me. I am used to working from home. But it's different, the restrictions, not being able to go out like normal. Wearing a mask, having to check your temperature, writing your details down, scanning the MySejahtera, the "x" on seats so you can't sit next to each other. 

My mood swings have been crazy, I can be fine, and just in a split second, I become extremely stressed and sad.  At times I can focus and get work done, a lot of times, I just get lost, stuck, and stumped. And it's a challenge to get back in the mood. I struggle each day. 

I just wish things can go back to normal. But at this rate, it seems pretty far fetched. Like it or not, I must adapt, find ways to destress and manage my emotions. It's unhealthy being this way. I have kids, and I have a home business to run. 

So I thought of blogging about this. Hoping that at least, it can help me release. Feel better about things. I know a lot are struggling right now. Things are not easy. If you are going through things, don't keep it to yourself. Have someone that you can confide in. For me, I guess blogging does help. 

I did say in my previous entries, I wanted to blog like every day. But skipped a few as I needed some time off. Had a lot on my mind. 

That is all... feel free to comment on how things are on your side. You can post anonymously. But I've to filter as I get spams a lot of the time. Let it out. We'll get through this together dear Internet friends. 

Much Love, Anna

Twitter & Instagram menghancurkan era blogging?

Ternampak dua tweet ni dari @izzatisuza dan @seketultapir terus rasa semangat nak tulis blog balik. Tapi tiap kali ada cubaan, mesti gagal. Tulislah satu dua post, lepas tu berbulan baru update. Takda idea nak membebel apa. Camna lah dulu mampu update kerap, siap sehari boleh buat dua tiga post. Gila. 

Rasanya sebabkan Twitter dengan Instagram ni kita jadi malas nak menulis blog. Yelah, nak tulis blog ni, dahla kena karang panjang baru lah sedap sikit. Nak letak gambar pun, nak kena adjust placement lah apa. Kalau IG ke Twitter ke jauh lagi senang. Lepas tu interaction pun lebih mudah, nak like, komen, atau share balik. In other words blogging isn't convenient?

Anyway, I think I want to try and blog again every day. Whether someone reads it or not, shouldn't be my concern. Of courselah better kalau ada yang baca kan. But if I did think that way, I would be easily demotivated to write again. Also, as for the content? Honestly I have no idea. Kalau boleh, nak lah pengisian yang bagus kan. Buuuutttt to get me started I guess I should just write whatever. So I can get the feel and momentum. 

And, I find it hard to write either in just Malay or English. When I try, I terus jadi stuck nak tulis sebab pening nak guna ayat atau perkataan seterusnya. But not trying to publish a book, so will keep it informal and all jumbled up. 

Also hoping that by blogging often, I would spend less time on Twitter scrolling the timeline. I think I am a bit wayyyy too addicted to Twitter. But it's really a great place, have been getting art commission there quite a bit. And the art community there has been so supportive so not surprised why I am very attached to it. 

The ability to do threads now on Twitter is definitely makes blogging seem pointless. And as mentioned earlier, the ability to easily comment, like, share, add photos, the convenience of it all makes you wonder, why does one need to blog? So what is a good reason to start blogging again?

Well, I guess I will have to keep on writing to find out. Okay bye. Thanks to those who dropped by to read. Comments are appreciated. 

Bye!

psst: Tajuk dalam BM, last last in English. Aihhh.

{Sue Anna Joe}

The art of letting go and moving on

There are times when you just wish you could erase certain memories. Memories that have caused you pain, sadness, perhaps even sparked a vengeful hatred. To fix mistakes that you've made. That you could go back in time, and choose another path in life, one that you'd think would be a better choice. 

But that is how life is, you can never reverse time. You can never erase your past. You can only learn from your past, let go and move on.

It's not easy. Especially when your past keeps on haunting you. You can't just simply let go because it just hurts you so much, because it has left such a huge impact, a painful wound leaving the deepest scar that you just can't seem to get rid of. 

The choices you've made, you can't undo. So all you have left is to face it, accept it, let go and move on. Either that, or just allow the past to be a burden that you'll carry the rest of your life. 

Letting go is not easy, but it's easier when you let go. 

I've tried letting go, yes it does make things easier. But boy was it tough. And to be honest, you can't truly/entirely let go. There will still be bits of pieces of the past left inside of you. It's just something you can't completely delete. But it's okay. Take those bits and pieces, repaint them, rebuild them, to create something better, to make a better you. And most importantly, not to repeat those mistakes you've made in the past.

Recently, I decided to no longer accept commissions. I had to refund a number of bookings. I thought I was able to complete them within a certain duration, unfortunately I became overwhelmed, extremely stressed which resulted my in a huge mental block, where I was unable to draw. 

This, has always been a problem I have been struggling with since a very very long time. I am not good at handling pressure, deadlines, to the point I just give up entirely. The stress is so much I fall into a depressive state and unable to function like a normal person. I would distract myself from the actual work in hopes to get into the mood and zone only to stray further away. 

And I end up beating myself about it, crying, feeling dissapointed, huge amount of guilt of not being able to complete.

Replying text messages, email, answering the phone was extremely difficult for me, it was such a daunting task. I would then just get so tired and exhausted, I'd sleep. Rather than trying to face my problems, resolving it, I just quit. I had no energy to do it.

This affected me throughout my life, cost me clients, made it hard for me to earn, and one of the major reasons I had to shut down my photography & design studio; Itudio Studio (after spending my lifetime savings setting it up).

So, then my life got crazy. And slowly I tried fixing it. And there is still so much to fix and improve on. But I believe I am a bit better.

Unfortunately recently my old attitude came about again with those commissions. My last customer made me realize that I have to do something about it and not let history repeat itself.

Knowing that I am unable to handle such stress, accepting commissions is just not for me. I will end up disappointing clients, which in the end disappoints me and makes me feel like a huge failure.

Which made me to finally decide that I should stop what I've been doing. Let go and move on. Because it isn't working out. It just isn't for me.

And as soon as I made that decision. I suddenly felt a huge burden off my shoulders. My mind was so much more clearer and am now so inspired and feel productive.

For me, being able to complete anything is a huge accomplishment! And within such a short time frame really is such an amazing feeling. The feeling of satisfaction is so motivating and positive.

So learn to let go, when to say no and when to say yes. And with that you will be able to move on. And even if you look back, you'll be strong enough to not let your past haunt you and drag you down.

{Sue Anna Joe}

Hitam Itu Menawan

Sooooo, macam biasa scroll timeline Twidda I terbaca kes mak Haneesya Hanee the Malaysian model saman some fellas sebab said her kulit was gelap like bubble tea and Hajarul Aswad. So okay, Hajarul Aswad tu serious melampaulah weiiii. Then, nampak pulak tweet Dr. Amalina pasal whitening skincare. Cerita pasal kulit hitam putih ni memang takkan habis. In fact I did blog about it in Budu dan Belacan. About my own issues about wanting fair skin. 

Having fair skin memang nampak lawa putih gebu, nampak macam bersih bersih gitu, sinar lagi terpancar. Nak pakai apa warna baju pun takda masalah. Come on, kalau ada baby baru lahir, kulit putih cerah, kita mesti akan komen, putihnya baby. Khenn. Kalau baby tu dark skin, kita akan diam, takda kata eh hitamnya babyyyy, cause we automatically associate hitam tu macam negative remark. Siap ada mitos masa pregnant jangan minum kopi nanti anak hitam, minum soya bagi anak putihlah ahaha gila. 

Then kalau zaman sekolah, perempuan yang kulit putih yang jadi hot stuff, popular. Maka yang kulit tanned exotic ni pun rasa lah down. Dah berapa banyak komen I baca, masing-masing yang berkulit tanned exotic ni cerita pengalaman selalu kena ejek kulit hitam. Pastu kalau lelaki yang komen lagilah, mulut macam puaka. Dia punya zass tu tak ingat. Kejam gila kalau lelaki mengata. Berbisa. 

My kulit isn't exactly very dark, but far from putih lah. But I wanted fair skin, bukan fairer but fair. I have used numerous whitening skincare. Fair and Lovely (masa sekolah rendah dah guna), then branded skincares like Estee Lauder, Biotherm, Shisheido, then yang less branded like L'Oréal, then yang local, macam Ibu Putih dan sebagainya. But I tak beranilah try yang jenis kulit peeling tu sebab scary wehhhh. Have also minum AuraWhite (which menjadi, but taklah putih gebu, it did help lighten my skin). Stopped sebab tak mampu nak maintain and of course risau nanti rosak organ dalaman in the long run.

Tapi sekarang banyak gila produk whitening. Dari sapu kat kulit, ke injection, ke makan. Baru-baru ni nampak ada bleaching product untuk kulit, sapu je nanti terus putih, eeee scary weh. Kau ingat kulit kita ni baju uniform sekolah ke nak clorox kasi putih. But desperate people do stupid things. 

Sekarang I dah tak kisah sangatlah nak putihkan kulit. Nak cerahkan supaya tak kelihatan kusam, tu ye. Even when I edit my photos I do brighten it up just so tak nampak kusam. Kita ni dah kena brainwash sejak kecik asal kulit putih je lawa. Also, kita tengok sahaja our royalty, am pretty sure most of 'em ladies have fair skin kan? So macam manalah kita tak associate kulit putih ni special?

It comes back down to us, as individuals to change our own mindset. Especially siapa yang kulit gelap, we shouldn't be ashamed to say it out loud, ye aku kulit gelap, hitam, so what? For those who have kids with darker skin tone, especially yang perempuan, kita as parents kena tanam dalam diorang, educate them, that you should love your skin tone no matter what. Bagitau tak perlu sibuk nak putihkan kulit tu. Yang penting be healthy and have healthy skin. 

Jadilah ibarat Boba Milk Tea. Walaupun warna Bobanya hitam, tetapi ia enak sekali dan menjadi kegemaran ramai.

{Sue Anna Joe}

Solat 5 Waktu

الأحد

03 MUHARRAM 1439H

Assalamualaikum.

Tiba-tiba rasa terpanggil untuk menulis entri ini. Tengah syok tidur, di pagi yang hening, Anna dikejutkan dari tidur. Bukannya sebab alarm clock, tapi sebab binatang kecil yang menganggu. Seekor binatang yang pernah memasuki otak Raja Namrud, dan menjadi punca kematiannya iaitu sang nyamuk. Tau kan betapa annoying bunyi nyamuk yang lalu dekat telinga. Kecik-kecik cili api, memang rasa nak maki. Hahaha. Tapi terima kasih wahai nyamuk, kerana sudi menjadi jam loceng semula jadi pagi ni.

Solat 5 waktu. Tiang agama. Yang ni semua tahu. Semua juga tahu, kalau tak solat, segala amalan kita dianggap, zero, invalid, disqualified, kerana solat itulah amalan pertama yang akan dihisab kelak. Rugi, rugi, rugi! Okay, bayangkanlah kan, bagi kaki game. Setelah sekian lama berhempas pulas, berjam-jam korang duk main game tu, tiba-tiba blackout atau bateri habis, tak sempat nak record high score tu. Ataupun, penat tulis assignment, sekali tak save. Mak aih, dia punya bengang, aduhhhhhhh. Ha, jenis yang kaki shopping, jumpa kasut ni, lawa gila, pergi cuba, memang rasa perfect, cuma terlebih satu saiz saja. Sekali tanya dekat akak salesgirl tu, dah habis stok dah. Kah kah kah. Sadis kan. Nak makan, tengok menu, jumpa mana yang nak makan, time order, waiter bagitau, dah habis dah... padehal orang kat sebelah baru je order, ghopenya customer sebelah tu dapat yang terakhir. Kah kah kah.

Jadi macam mana tu, di Padang Mahsyar kelak? Kita dah buat bermacam-macam benda yang baik, menolong orang, bersedekah, berbakti kepada parents, tak tipu orang, berpuasa, menutup aurat, dan sebagainya.. sekali semua yang baik kita buat dulu dilupuskan begitu sahaja sebab kita tak jaga solat. Boleh kah, kah, kah lagi ke ini macam? Boleh ke kita post dekat Twitter ka, Facebook ka yang kita rasa sedih dan bengang macam masa di dunia bila tak dapat benda kita nak? Sudah tentulah, tidak boleh. Game over bro. Eh bro je ke? Sis pon tak terkecuali, walaupun terkecuali setiap bulan ketika bulan mengunjung tiba.

Nikmat apabila berjaya menunaikan solat tu sangat besar kan? Dia punya kepuasan tu, Allah saja yang tahu. Akan sedikit terdetik, kalaulah aku mati lepas ni.. sekurang-kurangnya dah solat. Kan? Kalau time malam nak tidur, dah solat Isyak, Ya Allah dia punya rasa puas hati dan lega dan nak tidur tu best yang teramat. Tenang je. Samalah, bila dah solat Subuh. Pergh, padehal rasa berat dan mengantuk mata tu, tapi dah selesai tu, rasa semangat dan yakin untuk menjalankan urusan dunia pada hari tersebut. Bila mana dapat sempurnakan solat 5 waktu tu, aduhai... rasa seperti satu achievement yang besar! Jiwa kita telah diberi santapan yang indah sekali.

Tapi, untuk mencukupkan solat 5 waktu tu, memang mencabar. Mengantuklah, sibuk dengan kerjalah, leka berhiburlah. Banyak sebab manusia tak menunaikan solat. Ada perempuan yang malas nak tanggalkan mekap dan pakai balik. Leceh tau. Nak tonyoh buang mekap tu, lepas tu nak pakai balik, dengan berebut depan cermin, nak adjust balik tudung bagi mendapatkan lilitan dan lipatan yang sempurna. Wah kalah semangat kita nak menyempurnakan tertib solat tu tau. Haa, apa lagi, ni yang biasa, duk tengok wayang, terlepas waktu solat, sebab masa tu dalam panggung, sayang nanti kita termiss part yang best, dahla tiket mahal, seating dah terbaik. Sambil mengunyah popcorn. Pergi, rugi weh kalau tak tengok sampai habis. Ish ish ish apa nak jadi dengan kita ni?

Kita dah tau semua ni, but why, whyla bro, whyla sis, you no jaga solat? Padehal berapa minit je pun. Dahla dosa kita semakin hari, semakin berbukit. Haa, you tak buat dosa ke? Wah hebat. Dekat Facebook jah, dah berapa banyak dosa dah dikumpul. Komen itu ini, kritik itu ini, share itu ini,  lompat sekali dalam keretapi viral. Tak perasan, sebab orang lain pun buat. Niat kita nak kongsi je, jadikan pedoman dan contoh yang tidak patut diikuti. Bila orang kata, heiii tak baik mengaibkan orang, kita jawab, tak kan nak dibiarkan orang macam ni, biar orang lain takut untuk buat juga. Yelah tu, takdanya orang nak jadikan benda tu teladan. Moral of the story, moral of the story ye jah. Jah oh jahhh, keep it to yourself. Istighfar, berdoa, agar kita terpelihara dan dijauhkan dari perkara sebegitu. No need to spread spread or comment comment. Dosa dihujung jari namanya.

Susahkan nak jaga solat? Nak khusyuk tu lagilaaahhh. Otak duk melayang, pikir nak makan apa, nak masak apa, nak itu, nak ini, masalah dekat tempat kerja, masalah percintaan, nak beli apa jap lagi dan sebagainya. Kalau boleh nak solat cepat-cepat. Walhal paling lama pun, berapa minit je. Tapi kita buat benda lain, amboihh kemain lama, sampai tak perasan pun masa dah berlalu. Apa la nak jadi dengan kita ni? Dunia sekarang memang makin mencabar. Banyak sangat distraction. Berjam kot boleh layan newsfeed, baca artikel itu ini, sekali duk scroll jumpa pulak video yang kelakar. Aduh dah jumpa video, ada lagi video kat bawah tu yang lagi kelakar. It's a neverending story... until the day you dead bro, and sis. Are you ready to die? 

Jadi kesimpulannya, ayuhlah kita pakat berusaha untuk menjaga solat kita. Semoga kita semua berjaya di dunia dan terutamanya di akhirat. Jangan sia-siakan yang ada. Jangan kejar sesuatu yang merugikan diri kita di akhirat kelak. Ingat, dunia ini sementara. Mati pun tak tau bila. Kumpulkan pahala, kurangkan dosa. Syurga atau neraka, itu pilihan kita.

Sekian. Wassalam.

{Sue Anna Joe}

On Being a Mom

الثّلاثاء

22 ZULKAEDAH 1438H

Son with a paper boat.

The pregnancy

Being a mom has always been something I wanted. Have always loved kids since I was a kid myself. Even my answer to the "what do you want to be when you grow up" was being a babysitter. And so, in 2010, my lifelong dream came true and was blessed with a son. The first four months of pregnancy wasn't easy. I had really bad morning sickness. To the point that I was hospitalized for a whole week. Zofran was my friend back then. No more throwing up like a waterfall. Though recent studies have shown some negative side effects of the drug, Alhamdulillah son turned out fine. The next 5 months was quite a breeze. Ate as much as I wanted. Only gained 9kg though. My son was about 3.1kg or was it 3.4kg, or 3.14kg? Either way, the doctor said, my baby is normal sized, but I'm like an XS and baby is like an M sized. So it's quite big for lil' petite me. 

The labour

Labour was not too bad, but I had difficulty at the end. The vacuum did not work, and my legs got super tired. My doctor told the nurses to prep me for a c-sec. The midwife nurse was concerned, she was saying "alaa kesiannya...", so she got up on a stool, and with the palm of her hands, she started pushing on my stomach, I didn't feel much pain (was on Epidural) as she pushed, but felt a whole lot of pressure, I moaned "Allahuakbar".. and finally the baby came out. 

A mom mistake: iPads and social media

Throwing and arrow thingy into a pot thingy.
Namsangol Hanok Village, South Korea.

As of now, it's been 7 years since I've been a mom. How does it feel? Wonderful yet challenging. There have been many many times that I feel like a terrible mother. Many many times where I've made mistakes. One of the hugest mistakes was giving my son his own iPad. At first, I thought it could be a great educational tool. Showing videos of the alphabets, apps and games that are meant for learning. Huge mistake. 

Only realized this mistake when Luqman started kindergarten. Very short attention span and tantrums. With the iPad, everything is fast paced. You can just skip when bored, in school, there isn't such a thing as "Skip Ad". This whole instant gratification via technology is bad. I've already seen numerous videos, where a baby was crying over a phone because he/she wanted to see a video, and a recently a kid threatening his grandfather with a chopping knife because of some online game. 

Sad thing this negative impact does not only affect the kids but us adults. Being so caught up checking social media accounts; Facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp, e.t.c.... the percentage of attention you give to your kids have decreased. Or perhaps you'd shoo away your kid when he/she wants something from you while you are looking at your phone. That shooing away, even if it's only for a second or two, does have an impact on them. 

It was only when I took a long break from the Internet (about 2 years), where I deleted all my social media account, blogs and whatever online presence I had, I realized the damage it can cause. Not only it affected me, but my son as well :( It seems that we have more eye contact with our phone screens rather than on our kids these days. It's sad really what technology have moulded us into. The problem is, it's extremely addicting and seems harmless. Why? Because everyone else is doing it. 

How many of us take photos of our kids, only to ask them to keep still cause mommy wants to post them in their cute outfits on Instagram? What are we teaching our kids? After the photo is taken, we would take the time to edit and figure out a witty caption to go along with. How much time does this take away than real, direct interaction with our kids? So much precious time wasted, just because we want to be on the bandwagon of social media junkies. It's just as bad as drug and alcohol addiction. 

-------

Being a mom ain't easy. It requires a lot of patience, energy, and a whole lot of love. I only have one kid, and it's tough but so worth it. I do want more kids. I've had two miscarriages (something I will share about in another entry). I try not to share too much about my personal life like I used to. But I am willing to share things that can help and hopefully be beneficial to others out there.

Pretty much why I find it harder to update my blog as I am very selective of the things I post online these days. Alright, till my next post, bye!

{Sue Anna Joe}