The art of letting go and moving on

There are times when you just wish you could erase certain memories. Memories that have caused you pain, sadness, perhaps even sparked a vengeful hatred. To fix mistakes that you've made. That you could go back in time, and choose another path in life, one that you'd think would be a better choice. 

But that is how life is, you can never reverse time. You can never erase your past. You can only learn from your past, let go and move on.

It's not easy. Especially when your past keeps on haunting you. You can't just simply let go because it just hurts you so much, because it has left such a huge impact, a painful wound leaving the deepest scar that you just can't seem to get rid of. 

The choices you've made, you can't undo. So all you have left is to face it, accept it, let go and move on. Either that, or just allow the past to be a burden that you'll carry the rest of your life. 

Letting go is not easy, but it's easier when you let go. 

I've tried letting go, yes it does make things easier. But boy was it tough. And to be honest, you can't truly/entirely let go. There will still be bits of pieces of the past left inside of you. It's just something you can't completely delete. But it's okay. Take those bits and pieces, repaint them, rebuild them, to create something better, to make a better you. And most importantly, not to repeat those mistakes you've made in the past.

Recently, I decided to no longer accept commissions. I had to refund a number of bookings. I thought I was able to complete them within a certain duration, unfortunately I became overwhelmed, extremely stressed which resulted my in a huge mental block, where I was unable to draw. 

This, has always been a problem I have been struggling with since a very very long time. I am not good at handling pressure, deadlines, to the point I just give up entirely. The stress is so much I fall into a depressive state and unable to function like a normal person. I would distract myself from the actual work in hopes to get into the mood and zone only to stray further away. 

And I end up beating myself about it, crying, feeling dissapointed, huge amount of guilt of not being able to complete.

Replying text messages, email, answering the phone was extremely difficult for me, it was such a daunting task. I would then just get so tired and exhausted, I'd sleep. Rather than trying to face my problems, resolving it, I just quit. I had no energy to do it.

This affected me throughout my life, cost me clients, made it hard for me to earn, and one of the major reasons I had to shut down my photography & design studio; Itudio Studio (after spending my lifetime savings setting it up).

So, then my life got crazy. And slowly I tried fixing it. And there is still so much to fix and improve on. But I believe I am a bit better.

Unfortunately recently my old attitude came about again with those commissions. My last customer made me realize that I have to do something about it and not let history repeat itself.

Knowing that I am unable to handle such stress, accepting commissions is just not for me. I will end up disappointing clients, which in the end disappoints me and makes me feel like a huge failure.

Which made me to finally decide that I should stop what I've been doing. Let go and move on. Because it isn't working out. It just isn't for me.

And as soon as I made that decision. I suddenly felt a huge burden off my shoulders. My mind was so much more clearer and am now so inspired and feel productive.

For me, being able to complete anything is a huge accomplishment! And within such a short time frame really is such an amazing feeling. The feeling of satisfaction is so motivating and positive.

So learn to let go, when to say no and when to say yes. And with that you will be able to move on. And even if you look back, you'll be strong enough to not let your past haunt you and drag you down.

{Sue Anna Joe}

Hitam Itu Menawan

Sooooo, macam biasa scroll timeline Twidda I terbaca kes mak Haneesya Hanee the Malaysian model saman some fellas sebab said her kulit was gelap like bubble tea and Hajarul Aswad. So okay, Hajarul Aswad tu serious melampaulah weiiii. Then, nampak pulak tweet Dr. Amalina pasal whitening skincare. Cerita pasal kulit hitam putih ni memang takkan habis. In fact I did blog about it in Budu dan Belacan. About my own issues about wanting fair skin. 

Having fair skin memang nampak lawa putih gebu, nampak macam bersih bersih gitu, sinar lagi terpancar. Nak pakai apa warna baju pun takda masalah. Come on, kalau ada baby baru lahir, kulit putih cerah, kita mesti akan komen, putihnya baby. Khenn. Kalau baby tu dark skin, kita akan diam, takda kata eh hitamnya babyyyy, cause we automatically associate hitam tu macam negative remark. Siap ada mitos masa pregnant jangan minum kopi nanti anak hitam, minum soya bagi anak putihlah ahaha gila. 

Then kalau zaman sekolah, perempuan yang kulit putih yang jadi hot stuff, popular. Maka yang kulit tanned exotic ni pun rasa lah down. Dah berapa banyak komen I baca, masing-masing yang berkulit tanned exotic ni cerita pengalaman selalu kena ejek kulit hitam. Pastu kalau lelaki yang komen lagilah, mulut macam puaka. Dia punya zass tu tak ingat. Kejam gila kalau lelaki mengata. Berbisa. 

My kulit isn't exactly very dark, but far from putih lah. But I wanted fair skin, bukan fairer but fair. I have used numerous whitening skincare. Fair and Lovely (masa sekolah rendah dah guna), then branded skincares like Estee Lauder, Biotherm, Shisheido, then yang less branded like L'Oréal, then yang local, macam Ibu Putih dan sebagainya. But I tak beranilah try yang jenis kulit peeling tu sebab scary wehhhh. Have also minum AuraWhite (which menjadi, but taklah putih gebu, it did help lighten my skin). Stopped sebab tak mampu nak maintain and of course risau nanti rosak organ dalaman in the long run.

Tapi sekarang banyak gila produk whitening. Dari sapu kat kulit, ke injection, ke makan. Baru-baru ni nampak ada bleaching product untuk kulit, sapu je nanti terus putih, eeee scary weh. Kau ingat kulit kita ni baju uniform sekolah ke nak clorox kasi putih. But desperate people do stupid things. 

Sekarang I dah tak kisah sangatlah nak putihkan kulit. Nak cerahkan supaya tak kelihatan kusam, tu ye. Even when I edit my photos I do brighten it up just so tak nampak kusam. Kita ni dah kena brainwash sejak kecik asal kulit putih je lawa. Also, kita tengok sahaja our royalty, am pretty sure most of 'em ladies have fair skin kan? So macam manalah kita tak associate kulit putih ni special?

It comes back down to us, as individuals to change our own mindset. Especially siapa yang kulit gelap, we shouldn't be ashamed to say it out loud, ye aku kulit gelap, hitam, so what? For those who have kids with darker skin tone, especially yang perempuan, kita as parents kena tanam dalam diorang, educate them, that you should love your skin tone no matter what. Bagitau tak perlu sibuk nak putihkan kulit tu. Yang penting be healthy and have healthy skin. 

Jadilah ibarat Boba Milk Tea. Walaupun warna Bobanya hitam, tetapi ia enak sekali dan menjadi kegemaran ramai.

{Sue Anna Joe}

Kawan bila dah berkahwin dan masalah rumahtangga.

Dalam podcast Episode 7 United Moms Club (Podcast autoplay dekat sidebar sebelah kiri ni, boleh tekan pause. Sorry kalau terkejut).. okay podcast yang dimuatnaik minggu lepas bercerita tentang hubungan dengan kawan-kawan bila dah kahwin, dah ada anak. Memang dah lain.. kita takda nak lepak macam dulu. Kalau dulu time belajar, boleh lepak berjam-jam kat cafe borak pasal apa tah. Tak duk kat cafe, lepak dalam kereta pun jadi. Hahaha, those were the days. Entah apa-apa yang dibuat. Pergi sana sini, pergi mall, even bercuti pun sama-sama. Kepala serabut pun masa tu, kot ada assignment ke, exam ke, tu je lah, other than that memang enjoy habis-habisan dengan kawan.

Bila dah kahwin, segalanya berubah, ada anak lagiiiiilah. In touch dengan kawan pun, guna whatsapp, komen dekat facebook ke, ig ke. Kalau berjumpa pun, ada birthday party, kenduri, akikah dan sebagainya. Itupun, tak dapat nak lepak borak lama sebab melayan anak. 

Kadang kawan yang rapat gila pun dah jadi awkward, borak tak semacam dulu. Mainly kerana, keluarga kita, suami dan anak-anak yang dah ganti tempat kawan menjadi peneman hidup. Dan yang penting, kita tokleh lah nak share lebih-lebih, ada aib dan rahsia rumahtangga dan keluarga yang harus dirahsiakan. Tidak semua yang boleh dikongsi. 

Tapi kadang tu, ada masalah dan isu yang timbul dalam keluarga. Antara suami dan isteri. Macam mana nak selesaikan? 

1. Seeloknya, bawa berbincang sesama pasangan. Jangan asal ada problem je up dekat media sosial ke, group whatsapp ke, kawan ke. Selesaikan secara internal.  

2. Kalau masih berterusan, dengan ahli keluarga, parents kita, mertua kita, adik-beradik kita. Saudara-mara? Itu.. harus dipertimbangkan, kerana risau aib keluarga kita akan tersebar secara sengaja atau tidak.  

3. Kawan rapat yang dipercayai, kalau option pertama dan kedua tu tak jalan-jalan jugak. Tapi tak perlu bercerita lebih. Ingat, kita sebagai isteri wajib menjaga aib.  

4. Kawan pun tak jadi.. ha ni bahaya... tapi..... ada masanya boleh membantu. Forum-forum, atau group yang ada secara online. Tapi banyak mudarat la bila tengok komen-komen yang dilemparkan bila ada yang meminta pendapat secara online. Makin pening jadinya. 

Tapi takat benda seperti, eh kat mana ye tempat percutian best nak pergi? Lepas bersalin, korang berpantang macam mana ye? Botol susu apa ye nak bagi kat anak, sebab dia taknak hisap susu botol, macam manalah bila dah mula kerja nanti. Hahaha. Gitu okaylah.  

Paling tak boleh blah, page KRT dekat Facebook tu. Haduiiii, yang ceritanya boleh tahan, yang komen waduh waduhhhh. IIUM Confessions okay-okaylah, itupun ada yang tersasar juga. Jadi kalau boleh platform media sosial ni seeloknya dielakkan dari menjadi platform luahan perasaan dan masalah okay?

5. Rujuk kepada pakar, tapi yang ni kadang susah sikit, nak jumpa pakar, ambil masa, mungkin wang, atau tak tau mana nak rujuk kan. Pakar tu termasuk mereka yang berilmu dalam hal rumahtangga. 

6. Dan yang ni of course, sentiasa berdoa dan meminta petunjuk dariNya. 

Kadang takut tengok trend, asal ada masalah je update dekat Facebook ka, Twitter ke, lepas tu jadi viral. Share screenshot perbualan whatsapp mengantoikan sesiapa yang terlibat. Rasanya tak membantu pun kalau viralkan benda gitu. Makin merumitkan keadaan adalah. Tapi itulah realiti dunia zaman sekarang kan. Jadi kenalah menjadi netizen yang bijaksana supaya tak terjebak sekali. Orait, baaaai. 

{Sue Anna Joe}

Solat 5 Waktu

الأحد

03 MUHARRAM 1439H

Assalamualaikum.

Tiba-tiba rasa terpanggil untuk menulis entri ini. Tengah syok tidur, di pagi yang hening, Anna dikejutkan dari tidur. Bukannya sebab alarm clock, tapi sebab binatang kecil yang menganggu. Seekor binatang yang pernah memasuki otak Raja Namrud, dan menjadi punca kematiannya iaitu sang nyamuk. Tau kan betapa annoying bunyi nyamuk yang lalu dekat telinga. Kecik-kecik cili api, memang rasa nak maki. Hahaha. Tapi terima kasih wahai nyamuk, kerana sudi menjadi jam loceng semula jadi pagi ni.

Solat 5 waktu. Tiang agama. Yang ni semua tahu. Semua juga tahu, kalau tak solat, segala amalan kita dianggap, zero, invalid, disqualified, kerana solat itulah amalan pertama yang akan dihisab kelak. Rugi, rugi, rugi! Okay, bayangkanlah kan, bagi kaki game. Setelah sekian lama berhempas pulas, berjam-jam korang duk main game tu, tiba-tiba blackout atau bateri habis, tak sempat nak record high score tu. Ataupun, penat tulis assignment, sekali tak save. Mak aih, dia punya bengang, aduhhhhhhh. Ha, jenis yang kaki shopping, jumpa kasut ni, lawa gila, pergi cuba, memang rasa perfect, cuma terlebih satu saiz saja. Sekali tanya dekat akak salesgirl tu, dah habis stok dah. Kah kah kah. Sadis kan. Nak makan, tengok menu, jumpa mana yang nak makan, time order, waiter bagitau, dah habis dah... padehal orang kat sebelah baru je order, ghopenya customer sebelah tu dapat yang terakhir. Kah kah kah.

Jadi macam mana tu, di Padang Mahsyar kelak? Kita dah buat bermacam-macam benda yang baik, menolong orang, bersedekah, berbakti kepada parents, tak tipu orang, berpuasa, menutup aurat, dan sebagainya.. sekali semua yang baik kita buat dulu dilupuskan begitu sahaja sebab kita tak jaga solat. Boleh kah, kah, kah lagi ke ini macam? Boleh ke kita post dekat Twitter ka, Facebook ka yang kita rasa sedih dan bengang macam masa di dunia bila tak dapat benda kita nak? Sudah tentulah, tidak boleh. Game over bro. Eh bro je ke? Sis pon tak terkecuali, walaupun terkecuali setiap bulan ketika bulan mengunjung tiba.

Nikmat apabila berjaya menunaikan solat tu sangat besar kan? Dia punya kepuasan tu, Allah saja yang tahu. Akan sedikit terdetik, kalaulah aku mati lepas ni.. sekurang-kurangnya dah solat. Kan? Kalau time malam nak tidur, dah solat Isyak, Ya Allah dia punya rasa puas hati dan lega dan nak tidur tu best yang teramat. Tenang je. Samalah, bila dah solat Subuh. Pergh, padehal rasa berat dan mengantuk mata tu, tapi dah selesai tu, rasa semangat dan yakin untuk menjalankan urusan dunia pada hari tersebut. Bila mana dapat sempurnakan solat 5 waktu tu, aduhai... rasa seperti satu achievement yang besar! Jiwa kita telah diberi santapan yang indah sekali.

Tapi, untuk mencukupkan solat 5 waktu tu, memang mencabar. Mengantuklah, sibuk dengan kerjalah, leka berhiburlah. Banyak sebab manusia tak menunaikan solat. Ada perempuan yang malas nak tanggalkan mekap dan pakai balik. Leceh tau. Nak tonyoh buang mekap tu, lepas tu nak pakai balik, dengan berebut depan cermin, nak adjust balik tudung bagi mendapatkan lilitan dan lipatan yang sempurna. Wah kalah semangat kita nak menyempurnakan tertib solat tu tau. Haa, apa lagi, ni yang biasa, duk tengok wayang, terlepas waktu solat, sebab masa tu dalam panggung, sayang nanti kita termiss part yang best, dahla tiket mahal, seating dah terbaik. Sambil mengunyah popcorn. Pergi, rugi weh kalau tak tengok sampai habis. Ish ish ish apa nak jadi dengan kita ni?

Kita dah tau semua ni, but why, whyla bro, whyla sis, you no jaga solat? Padehal berapa minit je pun. Dahla dosa kita semakin hari, semakin berbukit. Haa, you tak buat dosa ke? Wah hebat. Dekat Facebook jah, dah berapa banyak dosa dah dikumpul. Komen itu ini, kritik itu ini, share itu ini,  lompat sekali dalam keretapi viral. Tak perasan, sebab orang lain pun buat. Niat kita nak kongsi je, jadikan pedoman dan contoh yang tidak patut diikuti. Bila orang kata, heiii tak baik mengaibkan orang, kita jawab, tak kan nak dibiarkan orang macam ni, biar orang lain takut untuk buat juga. Yelah tu, takdanya orang nak jadikan benda tu teladan. Moral of the story, moral of the story ye jah. Jah oh jahhh, keep it to yourself. Istighfar, berdoa, agar kita terpelihara dan dijauhkan dari perkara sebegitu. No need to spread spread or comment comment. Dosa dihujung jari namanya.

Susahkan nak jaga solat? Nak khusyuk tu lagilaaahhh. Otak duk melayang, pikir nak makan apa, nak masak apa, nak itu, nak ini, masalah dekat tempat kerja, masalah percintaan, nak beli apa jap lagi dan sebagainya. Kalau boleh nak solat cepat-cepat. Walhal paling lama pun, berapa minit je. Tapi kita buat benda lain, amboihh kemain lama, sampai tak perasan pun masa dah berlalu. Apa la nak jadi dengan kita ni? Dunia sekarang memang makin mencabar. Banyak sangat distraction. Berjam kot boleh layan newsfeed, baca artikel itu ini, sekali duk scroll jumpa pulak video yang kelakar. Aduh dah jumpa video, ada lagi video kat bawah tu yang lagi kelakar. It's a neverending story... until the day you dead bro, and sis. Are you ready to die? 

Jadi kesimpulannya, ayuhlah kita pakat berusaha untuk menjaga solat kita. Semoga kita semua berjaya di dunia dan terutamanya di akhirat. Jangan sia-siakan yang ada. Jangan kejar sesuatu yang merugikan diri kita di akhirat kelak. Ingat, dunia ini sementara. Mati pun tak tau bila. Kumpulkan pahala, kurangkan dosa. Syurga atau neraka, itu pilihan kita.

Sekian. Wassalam.

{Sue Anna Joe}

Their life is better than mine.

الثّلاثاء

28 REJAB 1438H

Love Locks
Namsan Tower, South Korea

Being a girl, jealousy is something we can't really get rid of. Not sure if I can represent all the other girls out there, but I'm pretty sure that feeling of jealousy or envy is there. It could be with your siblings, relatives, friends, boyfriend's/husband's ex girlfriend, or some complete stranger who seems to have a better life than yours based on their Instagram posts so on and so forth. In this post I'll be talking about online jealousy. Social media jealousy. Because, almost everyone uses social media these days. 

Jealousy can really ruin you. It consumes your mind, and soul. So. How to stop being jealous? I think it's not easy to not to not be jealous, but there are ways to handle it so it doesn't drag you while you're trying to walk through life. 

I would say stop looking at their posts online, but hey that's tough to do right? There's always that itch and curiosity to see what that person is up to. Even if you don't stalk them (yes stalk), they'd probably pop out in your feed somehow. And there goes your itchy fingers wanting to check it out. And then you'll start looking at one post after another, perhaps checking out how many likes and comments they have and whatnot. Then you'll either consciously or unconsciously start comparing their lives with your own. 

And you start to make up for it. You end up starting to show what you have as well. Happy life, happy marriage, happy kids, happy family, delicious food you are about to eat, traveling, new phone husband bought for you on your anniversary, the list goes on. Though, for some it's just about sharing that piece of life of theirs. But at some point, without realizing it, it's really showing off - more so to those who tend to get easily jealous. 

I remember reading somewhere, that those who are truly happy don't show it off online. I don't entirely agree nor disagree with this. But it is somewhat true. Then there are those who are truly sad that don't show it online too. I mean if you are really sad, how could you find the time to post online? I guess it's a way to let it out, to share in hopes there will be someone who will listen, and perhaps lend a helping keyboard and give comfort and say it's gonna be okay. 

I was one who used social media to let it all out. Did it help? In the short run, yes. But in the long run, uhmm nope, not at all. It's more destructive than constructive. You get so consumed by depending on others, without really trying to deal what's going on deep down inside. The conflict you go through is only solved temporarily. Your problems are shoved deeper down the hole, and it gets harder to get back out. 

Back to being jealous with other people on social media. Whatever you see online, are mostly the sugar coated part of people's lives. You don't know their own struggles, their own conflicts in life. Everyone has them. Some people are just better at covering them. They could be genuinely happy in life, but that's not really living the life if you don't go through the bad phases while trying to get up there. 

So, if you're:

• Not yet married, and jealous seeing your friends getting happily hitched, posting photos of their happy life and family. Don't be. They just don't show the conflict they go through.
• Married but, still no baby? Yet your friends are having kids of their own, one, two, three, four or even more. Don't be jealous, make the most out of the free time for yourself that you have. Do something productive. Go all out. This is your opportunity, once you have kids, your time is for your kids, only a little left for yourself. 
• I only have SPM < Diploma < Degree < Masters < PhD. Jealous, challenged by someone who has a higher education than you? Being inspired and motivated is fine, but don't let your level of education make you feel inferior. Don't let a piece of paper represent who you are in the society no matter what the society says. But if it's for a job requirement, than that's something else. 
• Doing business but someone else business is doing better than yours? So what? Let them be, you focus and do your own thing. Like mentioned above, being inspired and motivated is fine. Just don't let it make you feel down, or jealous. It's unhealthy (to the point that some would even use dirty tactics to ruin others). 
• Jealous of how rich, good looking someone else is? Oh gosh, the good looking part is an issue that I have been struggling since forever. Way to resolve? Be thankful of all the little things in life, your heart still being able to beat, your eyes, still being able to see, your friends and family who are still there to love you. Seriously there is so much to be thankful for, yet you waste your time on such superficial things. 

Stop focusing on your weakness, the things that you don't have, and focus on the things you do have. There are people who have lost their homes, their families, their limbs, their lives, yet you are here today, right now, reading this. And remember, this life in this Dunya, is only temporary. Why stress yourself over trivial things when you could focus on packing the necessities for the best life ever that will last forever in Akhirah? 

{Sue Anna Joe}