Was once an influencer, and why the hiatus?

Featured in some magazines and newspaper about blogging and photography

Okay, so thought of answering this question here cause it wouldn't be enough in just one tweet. 

How did you become an influencer dulu2 and why did you take a hiatus afterwards. Answer only if you want to. Thankss!!

Tapi yg ni wajib jawab, where do you derive your art inspiration from

— Queen Lychee (@lycheerambutan) February 12, 2021

Will answer this in parts. 

 "How did you become an influencer dulu2..."

The influencer bit, I'd say happened because of MySpace. I was one of the earliest people to have signed up to MySpace. Either it was below 500 or 5000 users at that time. And before they had the option of customizing the top friends list, I would automatically be there on most, especially for those in Malaysia. 

Also back then I did a lot of artsy self-portraits, which at that time not many Malaysians did? And also my profile picture was a moving GIF. I kind of liked experimenting a lot before others did (cause I was a loner nerd at  home with nothing else better to do). And the computer and Internet was my go to place to express my introvert-ness. So with all that combined, I guess people took interest in what I do.

I did manage to influence quite a number of people to actually get a camera and start taking photos. Which in a way was quite an achievement? So yeah, one thing lead to another. I started with the blog Budu & Belacan.. went up up up...

But.. in reality, my life was kind of in a mess. I still was very active after my divorce. So, then years after, I met someone... and at that point I thought, I should focus on my personal life, PRIVATELY. Prior to that, I used to share EVERYTHING about my life. Which kind of backfired. People started talking on gossip boards, making assumptions about my personal life. It bothered me a lot. I don't blame them though, cause I did put myself out there for public scrutiny. 

"...and why did you take a hiatus afterwards"

So, decided to just get off of the Internet one day. Deleted all my social media accounts, art accounts, blogs. Everything. There wasn't an option to deactivate back then. Just remove. So I did. Gone for a bout 3 years or so. Then in between got married, didn't really announce it, got pregnant, only announced when I gave birth. Many were quite surprised, was like, wait.. when did you remarry? 

If anyone notices I don't really share photos of myself or family these days, don't share much about my personal life other than daily struggles with art and my usual emotional mood swings. I feel that some things is best kept private. 

Then after much consideration and discussion with my husband, decided to make a comeback, as I wanted to do business from home, so thought that it was good to make a reappearance. So this is when I came up with Creep & Cream, a clothing brand for kids tees

My return was mostly for business. Only later that I started making it slightly more personal and now it's mostly about art. Which brings me to next bit of question:

"where do you derive your art inspiration from"

Fairy tales. Story books. Alice in Wonderland. These stories I grew up with as a child, influenced me a lot. And being bored at home, I always came up with things to occupy myself. Always played with my mom's make up, dressed up, acted in front of the mirror, imagined I was a Disney princess, sang, and all that. Then as I became a teen. I continued on expression myself, through drawings and poetry. It was only later on, when I got my first digital camera, I started doing self-portraits.. 

Now that I no longer have my studio. Married, staying at home with my kids, I still have the urge to express myself, but photography is no longer an option, so I started drawing more often, started from doodling.

And I had a phase were I doodled on wood. Then got my Samsung Galaxy Tablet, started dabbling with digital illustrations, paintings. And lately have been doing a lot of photo-realism, kinda brings back the memories of my photography days. 

There you go, I hope it answers your question dear Naddy! Thank you for the question, you just gave me content to write in my blog. Yayyyy. Alrite, will end this here. Bye! ~ Sue Anna Joe

Pandemic and the emotional roller coaster

Between the Petals by Sue Anna Joe
Digital painting done in Procreate
Based on photo reference (Pixabay from Pexels)

Hasn't been a great week for me to be honest. Been struggling a bit. I think this whole pandemic, MCO, is definitely taking a toll on me. I am used to working from home. But it's different, the restrictions, not being able to go out like normal. Wearing a mask, having to check your temperature, writing your details down, scanning the MySejahtera, the "x" on seats so you can't sit next to each other. 

My mood swings have been crazy, I can be fine, and just in a split second, I become extremely stressed and sad.  At times I can focus and get work done, a lot of times, I just get lost, stuck, and stumped. And it's a challenge to get back in the mood. I struggle each day. 

I just wish things can go back to normal. But at this rate, it seems pretty far fetched. Like it or not, I must adapt, find ways to destress and manage my emotions. It's unhealthy being this way. I have kids, and I have a home business to run. 

So I thought of blogging about this. Hoping that at least, it can help me release. Feel better about things. I know a lot are struggling right now. Things are not easy. If you are going through things, don't keep it to yourself. Have someone that you can confide in. For me, I guess blogging does help. 

I did say in my previous entries, I wanted to blog like every day. But skipped a few as I needed some time off. Had a lot on my mind. 

That is all... feel free to comment on how things are on your side. You can post anonymously. But I've to filter as I get spams a lot of the time. Let it out. We'll get through this together dear Internet friends. 

Much Love, Anna

The art of letting go and moving on

There are times when you just wish you could erase certain memories. Memories that have caused you pain, sadness, perhaps even sparked a vengeful hatred. To fix mistakes that you've made. That you could go back in time, and choose another path in life, one that you'd think would be a better choice. 

But that is how life is, you can never reverse time. You can never erase your past. You can only learn from your past, let go and move on.

It's not easy. Especially when your past keeps on haunting you. You can't just simply let go because it just hurts you so much, because it has left such a huge impact, a painful wound leaving the deepest scar that you just can't seem to get rid of. 

The choices you've made, you can't undo. So all you have left is to face it, accept it, let go and move on. Either that, or just allow the past to be a burden that you'll carry the rest of your life. 

Letting go is not easy, but it's easier when you let go. 

I've tried letting go, yes it does make things easier. But boy was it tough. And to be honest, you can't truly/entirely let go. There will still be bits of pieces of the past left inside of you. It's just something you can't completely delete. But it's okay. Take those bits and pieces, repaint them, rebuild them, to create something better, to make a better you. And most importantly, not to repeat those mistakes you've made in the past.

Recently, I decided to no longer accept commissions. I had to refund a number of bookings. I thought I was able to complete them within a certain duration, unfortunately I became overwhelmed, extremely stressed which resulted my in a huge mental block, where I was unable to draw. 

This, has always been a problem I have been struggling with since a very very long time. I am not good at handling pressure, deadlines, to the point I just give up entirely. The stress is so much I fall into a depressive state and unable to function like a normal person. I would distract myself from the actual work in hopes to get into the mood and zone only to stray further away. 

And I end up beating myself about it, crying, feeling dissapointed, huge amount of guilt of not being able to complete.

Replying text messages, email, answering the phone was extremely difficult for me, it was such a daunting task. I would then just get so tired and exhausted, I'd sleep. Rather than trying to face my problems, resolving it, I just quit. I had no energy to do it.

This affected me throughout my life, cost me clients, made it hard for me to earn, and one of the major reasons I had to shut down my photography & design studio; Itudio Studio (after spending my lifetime savings setting it up).

So, then my life got crazy. And slowly I tried fixing it. And there is still so much to fix and improve on. But I believe I am a bit better.

Unfortunately recently my old attitude came about again with those commissions. My last customer made me realize that I have to do something about it and not let history repeat itself.

Knowing that I am unable to handle such stress, accepting commissions is just not for me. I will end up disappointing clients, which in the end disappoints me and makes me feel like a huge failure.

Which made me to finally decide that I should stop what I've been doing. Let go and move on. Because it isn't working out. It just isn't for me.

And as soon as I made that decision. I suddenly felt a huge burden off my shoulders. My mind was so much more clearer and am now so inspired and feel productive.

For me, being able to complete anything is a huge accomplishment! And within such a short time frame really is such an amazing feeling. The feeling of satisfaction is so motivating and positive.

So learn to let go, when to say no and when to say yes. And with that you will be able to move on. And even if you look back, you'll be strong enough to not let your past haunt you and drag you down.

{Sue Anna Joe}

Hitam Itu Menawan

Sooooo, macam biasa scroll timeline Twidda I terbaca kes mak Haneesya Hanee the Malaysian model saman some fellas sebab said her kulit was gelap like bubble tea and Hajarul Aswad. So okay, Hajarul Aswad tu serious melampaulah weiiii. Then, nampak pulak tweet Dr. Amalina pasal whitening skincare. Cerita pasal kulit hitam putih ni memang takkan habis. In fact I did blog about it in Budu dan Belacan. About my own issues about wanting fair skin. 

Having fair skin memang nampak lawa putih gebu, nampak macam bersih bersih gitu, sinar lagi terpancar. Nak pakai apa warna baju pun takda masalah. Come on, kalau ada baby baru lahir, kulit putih cerah, kita mesti akan komen, putihnya baby. Khenn. Kalau baby tu dark skin, kita akan diam, takda kata eh hitamnya babyyyy, cause we automatically associate hitam tu macam negative remark. Siap ada mitos masa pregnant jangan minum kopi nanti anak hitam, minum soya bagi anak putihlah ahaha gila. 

Then kalau zaman sekolah, perempuan yang kulit putih yang jadi hot stuff, popular. Maka yang kulit tanned exotic ni pun rasa lah down. Dah berapa banyak komen I baca, masing-masing yang berkulit tanned exotic ni cerita pengalaman selalu kena ejek kulit hitam. Pastu kalau lelaki yang komen lagilah, mulut macam puaka. Dia punya zass tu tak ingat. Kejam gila kalau lelaki mengata. Berbisa. 

My kulit isn't exactly very dark, but far from putih lah. But I wanted fair skin, bukan fairer but fair. I have used numerous whitening skincare. Fair and Lovely (masa sekolah rendah dah guna), then branded skincares like Estee Lauder, Biotherm, Shisheido, then yang less branded like L'Oréal, then yang local, macam Ibu Putih dan sebagainya. But I tak beranilah try yang jenis kulit peeling tu sebab scary wehhhh. Have also minum AuraWhite (which menjadi, but taklah putih gebu, it did help lighten my skin). Stopped sebab tak mampu nak maintain and of course risau nanti rosak organ dalaman in the long run.

Tapi sekarang banyak gila produk whitening. Dari sapu kat kulit, ke injection, ke makan. Baru-baru ni nampak ada bleaching product untuk kulit, sapu je nanti terus putih, eeee scary weh. Kau ingat kulit kita ni baju uniform sekolah ke nak clorox kasi putih. But desperate people do stupid things. 

Sekarang I dah tak kisah sangatlah nak putihkan kulit. Nak cerahkan supaya tak kelihatan kusam, tu ye. Even when I edit my photos I do brighten it up just so tak nampak kusam. Kita ni dah kena brainwash sejak kecik asal kulit putih je lawa. Also, kita tengok sahaja our royalty, am pretty sure most of 'em ladies have fair skin kan? So macam manalah kita tak associate kulit putih ni special?

It comes back down to us, as individuals to change our own mindset. Especially siapa yang kulit gelap, we shouldn't be ashamed to say it out loud, ye aku kulit gelap, hitam, so what? For those who have kids with darker skin tone, especially yang perempuan, kita as parents kena tanam dalam diorang, educate them, that you should love your skin tone no matter what. Bagitau tak perlu sibuk nak putihkan kulit tu. Yang penting be healthy and have healthy skin. 

Jadilah ibarat Boba Milk Tea. Walaupun warna Bobanya hitam, tetapi ia enak sekali dan menjadi kegemaran ramai.

{Sue Anna Joe}

Kawan bila dah berkahwin dan masalah rumahtangga.

Dalam podcast Episode 7 United Moms Club (Podcast autoplay dekat sidebar sebelah kiri ni, boleh tekan pause. Sorry kalau terkejut).. okay podcast yang dimuatnaik minggu lepas bercerita tentang hubungan dengan kawan-kawan bila dah kahwin, dah ada anak. Memang dah lain.. kita takda nak lepak macam dulu. Kalau dulu time belajar, boleh lepak berjam-jam kat cafe borak pasal apa tah. Tak duk kat cafe, lepak dalam kereta pun jadi. Hahaha, those were the days. Entah apa-apa yang dibuat. Pergi sana sini, pergi mall, even bercuti pun sama-sama. Kepala serabut pun masa tu, kot ada assignment ke, exam ke, tu je lah, other than that memang enjoy habis-habisan dengan kawan.

Bila dah kahwin, segalanya berubah, ada anak lagiiiiilah. In touch dengan kawan pun, guna whatsapp, komen dekat facebook ke, ig ke. Kalau berjumpa pun, ada birthday party, kenduri, akikah dan sebagainya. Itupun, tak dapat nak lepak borak lama sebab melayan anak. 

Kadang kawan yang rapat gila pun dah jadi awkward, borak tak semacam dulu. Mainly kerana, keluarga kita, suami dan anak-anak yang dah ganti tempat kawan menjadi peneman hidup. Dan yang penting, kita tokleh lah nak share lebih-lebih, ada aib dan rahsia rumahtangga dan keluarga yang harus dirahsiakan. Tidak semua yang boleh dikongsi. 

Tapi kadang tu, ada masalah dan isu yang timbul dalam keluarga. Antara suami dan isteri. Macam mana nak selesaikan? 

1. Seeloknya, bawa berbincang sesama pasangan. Jangan asal ada problem je up dekat media sosial ke, group whatsapp ke, kawan ke. Selesaikan secara internal.  

2. Kalau masih berterusan, dengan ahli keluarga, parents kita, mertua kita, adik-beradik kita. Saudara-mara? Itu.. harus dipertimbangkan, kerana risau aib keluarga kita akan tersebar secara sengaja atau tidak.  

3. Kawan rapat yang dipercayai, kalau option pertama dan kedua tu tak jalan-jalan jugak. Tapi tak perlu bercerita lebih. Ingat, kita sebagai isteri wajib menjaga aib.  

4. Kawan pun tak jadi.. ha ni bahaya... tapi..... ada masanya boleh membantu. Forum-forum, atau group yang ada secara online. Tapi banyak mudarat la bila tengok komen-komen yang dilemparkan bila ada yang meminta pendapat secara online. Makin pening jadinya. 

Tapi takat benda seperti, eh kat mana ye tempat percutian best nak pergi? Lepas bersalin, korang berpantang macam mana ye? Botol susu apa ye nak bagi kat anak, sebab dia taknak hisap susu botol, macam manalah bila dah mula kerja nanti. Hahaha. Gitu okaylah.  

Paling tak boleh blah, page KRT dekat Facebook tu. Haduiiii, yang ceritanya boleh tahan, yang komen waduh waduhhhh. IIUM Confessions okay-okaylah, itupun ada yang tersasar juga. Jadi kalau boleh platform media sosial ni seeloknya dielakkan dari menjadi platform luahan perasaan dan masalah okay?

5. Rujuk kepada pakar, tapi yang ni kadang susah sikit, nak jumpa pakar, ambil masa, mungkin wang, atau tak tau mana nak rujuk kan. Pakar tu termasuk mereka yang berilmu dalam hal rumahtangga. 

6. Dan yang ni of course, sentiasa berdoa dan meminta petunjuk dariNya. 

Kadang takut tengok trend, asal ada masalah je update dekat Facebook ka, Twitter ke, lepas tu jadi viral. Share screenshot perbualan whatsapp mengantoikan sesiapa yang terlibat. Rasanya tak membantu pun kalau viralkan benda gitu. Makin merumitkan keadaan adalah. Tapi itulah realiti dunia zaman sekarang kan. Jadi kenalah menjadi netizen yang bijaksana supaya tak terjebak sekali. Orait, baaaai. 

{Sue Anna Joe}

United Moms Club on Ais Kacang

United Moms Club on Ais Kacang

Hi! So, thought I'd blog about this. A few months ago, one of my best buddies Marina, recommended me to do a podcast on this thing called Ais Kacang. It's a podcast under Media Prima Sdn. Bhd. What's a podcast? It's an online talk show in audio. Podcasts have been around for quite some time. In fact, I did once upon a time ago on imeem. But being me back then, it was just a one-off kinda thing. 

So anyway, I started to think of the things I'd like to have on my very own podcast. It's been a very long while since I've been out there. So, I thought, hey why not try this whole podcast thing out.  Didn't want to the podcast alone, thought it would be better if I teamed up with someone else. As they say, two heads are better than one. It was not hard to think of who would be my partner... Maria Elena! We did a web show on YouTube called "We Say Well... (we "sewel") back when I still had Itudio Studio. Sadly, we only managed to do only one episode. Time constraints, busy, e.t.c... 

It seems that dah dijodohkan me and Maria to finally team up and make something happen! So I approached Maria, and ya know whaaaat, Maria already had intentions to do her own podcast, so apalagi, without any hesitation she agreed. Weeeee. So we brainstormed of what will our podcast be about. Ended up being a talk show about motherhood. We recorded a sample of our show, and it was accepted, and we were in! Had a meeting at Media Prima, and mwalah, our very own podcast is now up online. Fast forward to the present, we are now hosts of our very own podcast called United Moms Club. 

As I'm writing this, 4 episodes have been uploaded online. Week 1, we talked about life after marriage, choosing to be a work/stay at home mom. Week 2, moms and depression. Being a mom can be taxing. Week 3, about kids and safety. Nowadays the safety of our kids is really an issue we parents face. Week 4, kids and education. So do have a listen.  

Oh and we received some really good news about our podcast. We were kinda worried about our listener ratings, but waaaaahhh turned out it was very good. Alhamdulillah.  And we will still be around for quite a while, In shaa allah. I've embedded the player on this blog's sidebar. So you can have a listen to the episodes we've done so far. If you've any ideas or issues you want us to discuss, please please do tell us. Thank you so much. 

{Sue Anna Joe}

On Being a Mom

الثّلاثاء

22 ZULKAEDAH 1438H

Son with a paper boat.

The pregnancy

Being a mom has always been something I wanted. Have always loved kids since I was a kid myself. Even my answer to the "what do you want to be when you grow up" was being a babysitter. And so, in 2010, my lifelong dream came true and was blessed with a son. The first four months of pregnancy wasn't easy. I had really bad morning sickness. To the point that I was hospitalized for a whole week. Zofran was my friend back then. No more throwing up like a waterfall. Though recent studies have shown some negative side effects of the drug, Alhamdulillah son turned out fine. The next 5 months was quite a breeze. Ate as much as I wanted. Only gained 9kg though. My son was about 3.1kg or was it 3.4kg, or 3.14kg? Either way, the doctor said, my baby is normal sized, but I'm like an XS and baby is like an M sized. So it's quite big for lil' petite me. 

The labour

Labour was not too bad, but I had difficulty at the end. The vacuum did not work, and my legs got super tired. My doctor told the nurses to prep me for a c-sec. The midwife nurse was concerned, she was saying "alaa kesiannya...", so she got up on a stool, and with the palm of her hands, she started pushing on my stomach, I didn't feel much pain (was on Epidural) as she pushed, but felt a whole lot of pressure, I moaned "Allahuakbar".. and finally the baby came out. 

A mom mistake: iPads and social media

Throwing and arrow thingy into a pot thingy.
Namsangol Hanok Village, South Korea.

As of now, it's been 7 years since I've been a mom. How does it feel? Wonderful yet challenging. There have been many many times that I feel like a terrible mother. Many many times where I've made mistakes. One of the hugest mistakes was giving my son his own iPad. At first, I thought it could be a great educational tool. Showing videos of the alphabets, apps and games that are meant for learning. Huge mistake. 

Only realized this mistake when Luqman started kindergarten. Very short attention span and tantrums. With the iPad, everything is fast paced. You can just skip when bored, in school, there isn't such a thing as "Skip Ad". This whole instant gratification via technology is bad. I've already seen numerous videos, where a baby was crying over a phone because he/she wanted to see a video, and a recently a kid threatening his grandfather with a chopping knife because of some online game. 

Sad thing this negative impact does not only affect the kids but us adults. Being so caught up checking social media accounts; Facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp, e.t.c.... the percentage of attention you give to your kids have decreased. Or perhaps you'd shoo away your kid when he/she wants something from you while you are looking at your phone. That shooing away, even if it's only for a second or two, does have an impact on them. 

It was only when I took a long break from the Internet (about 2 years), where I deleted all my social media account, blogs and whatever online presence I had, I realized the damage it can cause. Not only it affected me, but my son as well :( It seems that we have more eye contact with our phone screens rather than on our kids these days. It's sad really what technology have moulded us into. The problem is, it's extremely addicting and seems harmless. Why? Because everyone else is doing it. 

How many of us take photos of our kids, only to ask them to keep still cause mommy wants to post them in their cute outfits on Instagram? What are we teaching our kids? After the photo is taken, we would take the time to edit and figure out a witty caption to go along with. How much time does this take away than real, direct interaction with our kids? So much precious time wasted, just because we want to be on the bandwagon of social media junkies. It's just as bad as drug and alcohol addiction. 

-------

Being a mom ain't easy. It requires a lot of patience, energy, and a whole lot of love. I only have one kid, and it's tough but so worth it. I do want more kids. I've had two miscarriages (something I will share about in another entry). I try not to share too much about my personal life like I used to. But I am willing to share things that can help and hopefully be beneficial to others out there.

Pretty much why I find it harder to update my blog as I am very selective of the things I post online these days. Alright, till my next post, bye!

{Sue Anna Joe}

Their life is better than mine.

الثّلاثاء

28 REJAB 1438H

Love Locks
Namsan Tower, South Korea

Being a girl, jealousy is something we can't really get rid of. Not sure if I can represent all the other girls out there, but I'm pretty sure that feeling of jealousy or envy is there. It could be with your siblings, relatives, friends, boyfriend's/husband's ex girlfriend, or some complete stranger who seems to have a better life than yours based on their Instagram posts so on and so forth. In this post I'll be talking about online jealousy. Social media jealousy. Because, almost everyone uses social media these days. 

Jealousy can really ruin you. It consumes your mind, and soul. So. How to stop being jealous? I think it's not easy to not to not be jealous, but there are ways to handle it so it doesn't drag you while you're trying to walk through life. 

I would say stop looking at their posts online, but hey that's tough to do right? There's always that itch and curiosity to see what that person is up to. Even if you don't stalk them (yes stalk), they'd probably pop out in your feed somehow. And there goes your itchy fingers wanting to check it out. And then you'll start looking at one post after another, perhaps checking out how many likes and comments they have and whatnot. Then you'll either consciously or unconsciously start comparing their lives with your own. 

And you start to make up for it. You end up starting to show what you have as well. Happy life, happy marriage, happy kids, happy family, delicious food you are about to eat, traveling, new phone husband bought for you on your anniversary, the list goes on. Though, for some it's just about sharing that piece of life of theirs. But at some point, without realizing it, it's really showing off - more so to those who tend to get easily jealous. 

I remember reading somewhere, that those who are truly happy don't show it off online. I don't entirely agree nor disagree with this. But it is somewhat true. Then there are those who are truly sad that don't show it online too. I mean if you are really sad, how could you find the time to post online? I guess it's a way to let it out, to share in hopes there will be someone who will listen, and perhaps lend a helping keyboard and give comfort and say it's gonna be okay. 

I was one who used social media to let it all out. Did it help? In the short run, yes. But in the long run, uhmm nope, not at all. It's more destructive than constructive. You get so consumed by depending on others, without really trying to deal what's going on deep down inside. The conflict you go through is only solved temporarily. Your problems are shoved deeper down the hole, and it gets harder to get back out. 

Back to being jealous with other people on social media. Whatever you see online, are mostly the sugar coated part of people's lives. You don't know their own struggles, their own conflicts in life. Everyone has them. Some people are just better at covering them. They could be genuinely happy in life, but that's not really living the life if you don't go through the bad phases while trying to get up there. 

So, if you're:

• Not yet married, and jealous seeing your friends getting happily hitched, posting photos of their happy life and family. Don't be. They just don't show the conflict they go through.
• Married but, still no baby? Yet your friends are having kids of their own, one, two, three, four or even more. Don't be jealous, make the most out of the free time for yourself that you have. Do something productive. Go all out. This is your opportunity, once you have kids, your time is for your kids, only a little left for yourself. 
• I only have SPM < Diploma < Degree < Masters < PhD. Jealous, challenged by someone who has a higher education than you? Being inspired and motivated is fine, but don't let your level of education make you feel inferior. Don't let a piece of paper represent who you are in the society no matter what the society says. But if it's for a job requirement, than that's something else. 
• Doing business but someone else business is doing better than yours? So what? Let them be, you focus and do your own thing. Like mentioned above, being inspired and motivated is fine. Just don't let it make you feel down, or jealous. It's unhealthy (to the point that some would even use dirty tactics to ruin others). 
• Jealous of how rich, good looking someone else is? Oh gosh, the good looking part is an issue that I have been struggling since forever. Way to resolve? Be thankful of all the little things in life, your heart still being able to beat, your eyes, still being able to see, your friends and family who are still there to love you. Seriously there is so much to be thankful for, yet you waste your time on such superficial things. 

Stop focusing on your weakness, the things that you don't have, and focus on the things you do have. There are people who have lost their homes, their families, their limbs, their lives, yet you are here today, right now, reading this. And remember, this life in this Dunya, is only temporary. Why stress yourself over trivial things when you could focus on packing the necessities for the best life ever that will last forever in Akhirah? 

{Sue Anna Joe}

From being a nobody, to somebody, to a nobody again.

الأربعاء

12 RABIUL AKHIR 1438H

"Hanging by a Thread"
formerly titled "The Secret Garden"
(Taken years ago, re-edited)

I have experienced being bullied. Not physically, but more mentally and emotionally. I used to be made fun of. I remember when I was in primary school, we were having an event. Me and a couple of friends, decided to wear colour coordinated clothes. I can't remember exactly what colour, I think it was green. So, on that day, I happily wore my green baju kurung only to be greeted by my friends who all wore the colour red instead of green. They giggled amongst themselves when they saw me and I questioned "Weren't we supposed to wear green?". Was it just a joke to them? I don't know, but all I remember it made me really sad and mad at the same time. I felt really left out. 

I try to be friends with everyone, including the popular kids at school. When I was 13, during Form 2, we were having a concert, my class decided to do a 60s dance performance. I think it was for Teacher's Day. If I remember correctly we danced to songs by The Beatles. I brought my camera to snap photos of that day. In the dressing room we were all laughing taking photos together, I even sat on one of the girls lap. At that time, everyone was having fun. When I had the photos developed, I brought it to school to show it to them. 

And it was at that time, I noticed, the girl that I was sitting on the lap with, was embarrassed that there was a photo of me and her. I think she even told me not to show the others? But they noticed, and I could see from their expressions that they were making fun of that photo. It was confusing really. These girls would invite me to their houses, yet I noticed at the same time, I was made fun of. I was foolish trying to fit in. 

In another incident, my classmate, used her brother to act as though he liked me. Which at that fragile and naive years of just hitting puberty, I believed that he liked me for real. It felt nice to have some boy like you, it's flattering. Especially because I had low self-esteem. Felt that I was not pretty enough. In the end I found out it was all an act. And I saw their cynical laughter directed towards me. And I knew it was all a set up. The laughing stalk yet again.

Another similar incident; a friend made up a secret admirer, sending me letters and making phone calls by using perhaps their guy friend or brother to act as he was the secret admirer. To them it was all fun and games, but it really did leave deep scars when I found out that there really was no secret admirer. Felt like such a loser.

I don't blame them entirely. Probably I was somewhat annoying that they wanted to teach me a lesson. I was kind of a spoilt brat as a kid, and sometimes liked to show off and seek attention. I am the youngest in the family and the only girl at home. I could get almost anything I wanted. Perhaps I deserved it? Heh. I do believe though, that in a lot of bully cases, the victims allow themselves to be bullied. Nonetheless, whatever the cause, bullying is plain wrong. It can affect a person for a long time. 

I then left that school to go to a boarding school. There, I had the time of my life, and had the best group of the friends till this very day. The boys there were extra mean though. I used to be made fun of all the time. Was I really that weird to be made fun of? I was lucky enough to have amazing friends that had my back. So it wasn't so bad. 

All of these bitter experiences, I bottled up inside. I let it out through the poetry I wrote, the drawings I did and the photographs I took. Perhaps that was why some of my photography works were very moody, deep, dark and emotional. And these works had tremendously good feedback. It felt wonderful to be appreciated. I then saw that hey, I can be somebody, someone who is liked and not made fun of anymore. I wanted to be that popular girl in school. I needed to prove to people that.. "You know what, I'm no longer that girl you can make fun of. I can be somebody, I can even be better than you." Uh-oh.. BIG MISTAKE.

This led to my downfall. It just made things worse. At first it was great and all. It eventually got me more depressed. I relied too much on what people would think about me. I relied on the approval of others. It consumed me. Say if one of my works did not get as much positive feedback as my previous work, I'd be questioning myself "What did I do wrong? Why am I not good enough?" I'd overly stress myself thinking too much about it. I spent too much time thinking what was wrong, rather than trying to improve for the better. 

I did not go out much, especially to socialize and hang out with friends. Mainly because I was not allowed to. Pretty much why I was so happy to go to a boarding school. I came to that school a bit later, and the other students were telling me "Habislah malam ni menangis". I was like, why would I cry? I was super happy to finally have my 'freedom'. Haha. Not to say I had a terrible childhood experience at home. It was fun, I had friends over and I did go play and my neighbours house. But as I grew into my teen years, I wanted to go out to malls, hang out with friends, that which I did not have the opportunity to. Parents were quite strict about that. So hanging out at the town mall, Wetex in Muar was really exciting for me. Going into The Store to buy Mee Segera PAMA was always something I was looking forward to.

Getting back to episode downfall.. At that time, I forgot. I forgot Him, The Almighty. I was too busy in my world. I did things for all the wrong reasons. It was so bad, that a long the way, I ended up hurting others, ended up breaking promises, ended up being selfish, and worst of all ended up hurting myself. I did achieve quite a number of things during my active phase in photography and social media. Which I should be proud of. But inside, I felt empty. All those achievements were nothing but trash. I had the wrong motivation and intention. I was too busy trying to please and prove myself to others. What for? Fame? Ego booster? Self satisfaction? In the end, I ended up being a nobody again. 

Now that is all in the past. Still haunts me at times. But I have learned from my mistakes. Whatever we do, should be based on the right intention. Never ever do things to please others. Never ever do things to prove to others. Don't do things just to please and prove yourself. Humans are weak, imperfect, and can easily disappoint. And the worse thing you can do is to disappoint yourself. 

The solution? Is "Lillahi Ta'ala..." in whatever you do. Insha'Allah you will be safe and protected from your own self-destruction. 

{Sue Anna Joe}