Monologue: The feeling of giving up

Photo by Akshar Dave on Pexels

Is giving up an option? Yes and no. Some things I've given up, was the best choice I've made, but some turned out to be regrets. Of course there is no turning back, but there is always that question of "what if". This is life, the choices we make, the path we choose to take. It's always an adventure, scary a lot of times. 

But this is why, we need guidance in life. Dan kita sebenarnya dah ada "guidance" ni. Apa sepatutnya yang dituju dalam hidup ni. Tapi banyak masalah timbul sebab kita mengejar yang duniawi sampai matlamat yang kekal yang sepatutnya kita kecapi kita ambil ringan. 

I am always struggling with this, at the end of each day, I reflect on myself, and can't help but feel disappointed for not making the most out of it. And always set a new goal the next day, hoping to be a better me, and sometimes I do,  a lot of times I fail at it. And the thought of just giving up keeps on lingering in my head, which makes me feel all useless. And I fall back to zero. Get back up build the pieces again, only to bring it down another day. 

It's a tiring and an exhausting routine. 

But no, although I feel like giving up, I know I won't. I will always find a way to get back up, even it means I continue to fall, get hurt, get back up, only to fall again. 

There are changes I need to make. I do believe or at least like to believe that I do improve a bit each time. At least I am trying, and will try harder, and maybe less some days, but I will try no matter how hard I fall, I will go on. 

/end

Was once an influencer, and why the hiatus?

Featured in some magazines and newspaper about blogging and photography

Okay, so thought of answering this question here cause it wouldn't be enough in just one tweet. 

How did you become an influencer dulu2 and why did you take a hiatus afterwards. Answer only if you want to. Thankss!!

Tapi yg ni wajib jawab, where do you derive your art inspiration from

— Queen Lychee (@lycheerambutan) February 12, 2021

Will answer this in parts. 

 "How did you become an influencer dulu2..."

The influencer bit, I'd say happened because of MySpace. I was one of the earliest people to have signed up to MySpace. Either it was below 500 or 5000 users at that time. And before they had the option of customizing the top friends list, I would automatically be there on most, especially for those in Malaysia. 

Also back then I did a lot of artsy self-portraits, which at that time not many Malaysians did? And also my profile picture was a moving GIF. I kind of liked experimenting a lot before others did (cause I was a loner nerd at  home with nothing else better to do). And the computer and Internet was my go to place to express my introvert-ness. So with all that combined, I guess people took interest in what I do.

I did manage to influence quite a number of people to actually get a camera and start taking photos. Which in a way was quite an achievement? So yeah, one thing lead to another. I started with the blog Budu & Belacan.. went up up up...

But.. in reality, my life was kind of in a mess. I still was very active after my divorce. So, then years after, I met someone... and at that point I thought, I should focus on my personal life, PRIVATELY. Prior to that, I used to share EVERYTHING about my life. Which kind of backfired. People started talking on gossip boards, making assumptions about my personal life. It bothered me a lot. I don't blame them though, cause I did put myself out there for public scrutiny. 

"...and why did you take a hiatus afterwards"

So, decided to just get off of the Internet one day. Deleted all my social media accounts, art accounts, blogs. Everything. There wasn't an option to deactivate back then. Just remove. So I did. Gone for a bout 3 years or so. Then in between got married, didn't really announce it, got pregnant, only announced when I gave birth. Many were quite surprised, was like, wait.. when did you remarry? 

If anyone notices I don't really share photos of myself or family these days, don't share much about my personal life other than daily struggles with art and my usual emotional mood swings. I feel that some things is best kept private. 

Then after much consideration and discussion with my husband, decided to make a comeback, as I wanted to do business from home, so thought that it was good to make a reappearance. So this is when I came up with Creep & Cream, a clothing brand for kids tees

My return was mostly for business. Only later that I started making it slightly more personal and now it's mostly about art. Which brings me to next bit of question:

"where do you derive your art inspiration from"

Fairy tales. Story books. Alice in Wonderland. These stories I grew up with as a child, influenced me a lot. And being bored at home, I always came up with things to occupy myself. Always played with my mom's make up, dressed up, acted in front of the mirror, imagined I was a Disney princess, sang, and all that. Then as I became a teen. I continued on expression myself, through drawings and poetry. It was only later on, when I got my first digital camera, I started doing self-portraits.. 

Now that I no longer have my studio. Married, staying at home with my kids, I still have the urge to express myself, but photography is no longer an option, so I started drawing more often, started from doodling.

And I had a phase were I doodled on wood. Then got my Samsung Galaxy Tablet, started dabbling with digital illustrations, paintings. And lately have been doing a lot of photo-realism, kinda brings back the memories of my photography days. 

There you go, I hope it answers your question dear Naddy! Thank you for the question, you just gave me content to write in my blog. Yayyyy. Alrite, will end this here. Bye! ~ Sue Anna Joe

Kembalikan semangat yang pudar

"Ke laut, ke darat, janganlah keparat"
Foto di ambil di Port Dickson bertahun dahulu.

Agak-agaknya boleh ke dapatkan semangat berblogging macam dulu? Kalau ada geng rasa semangat sikit. Tapi tulah, kebanyakkan geng lama pun, dah tak aktif, dah ada komitmen hidup yang lain, bekeluarga, berkerjaya. Jadi takda masa nak habiskan menulis blog. IG ngan Twitter, Facebook jauh lebih mudah. Takda nak pikir nak karang panjang-panjang ye dok.

Tapi sayanglah kalau terkubur macam tu je. Duk gak jenguk mana yang masih menulis blog, tapi dah tak ada "vibe" macam dulu. Kebanyakan yang ada pun, macam tak berkomen. Blog Anna ni pun tak berapa nak ada komen. Letak kat Twitter, diorang baca, tapi komen kat Twitter. Hahaha. Tapi takda nak bengang ke apa, sebab Anna sendiri pun macam agak rasa berat bila nak komen. Dia jadi semacam leceh berbanding dengan berbalas ciapan. 

Apa yang best pasal blogging?

Kalau blog, kita leh edit. Silap tulis mudah je nak edit. Kalau Twitter, mana dapaaaat.  Twitter ni nak tulis panjang kena buat bebenang, kadang tak semua orang rajin nak "expand" bebenang untuk baca. Komen dalam blog kita boleh kawal. Macam Anna sendiri, benarkan komen anonymous, tapi masih perlu approve sebelum disiarkan. 

Lepas tu, nak susun gambar, bolehla buat bagi nampak cantik dan sesuai dengan karangan kita. Tapi, agak renyah sikit. Kadang salah tarik ke terus tak cantik layout. Lepas tu, macam dulu banyak advertorial untuk blog, ataupun banner iklan, macam Nuffnang. Tapi Nuffnang pun macam dah krik krik. 

Anna dulu berkesempatan jadi talent di bawah naungan Nuffnang. Best gila masa tu, dapatlah duit sikit dari iklan dalam banner, tapi banyak dapat advertorial. Lepas tu, dapat gi event sana sini. Makan sedap sedap. paling best dapat merasa gi Legoland. Semua free. 

Tak lama lepas tu, Instagram dah mula memonopoli platform media sosial. Maka mula berkuranglah aktiviti blogger, dan banyak tertumpu pada "influencers" dan "IG pemes". Anna sempat gak la merasa zaman ni sikit. Lepas tu, diduga dengan masalah hidup, terus Anna delete segala media sosial termasuklah blog Anna semua. 

Adalah kot dekat 3 tahun menghilang diri. Lepas tu nak mula balik memang payah. Sampai sekrang IG sendu gila. Algorithm dia pulak macam ntah apa. Twitter je boleh tahan sikit. Maka saya pun terus lah ketagih dengan Twitter. 

Tiba macam Anna tulis beberapa hari lepas, terbaca orang ciap pasal zaman blogging. Kebetulan masa tu tengah rasa agak stress dan bosan. Pastu baca komen throwback, rindu nak customize blog la, apa la semua, terus semangat nak menulis balik. Dah ada blog ni tapi kurang aktif. Jadi harapnya, semangat menulis blog ni diteruskan. 

Dan di sini, saya nak mengajak korang pun turut serta supaya kita semangat sama-sama. Ayuhhhh kita meriahkan kembali dunia blogging!

Ok sehingga entri seterusnya, baaaaiiii.  ~ Sue Anna Joe

Pandemic and the emotional roller coaster

Between the Petals by Sue Anna Joe
Digital painting done in Procreate
Based on photo reference (Pixabay from Pexels)

Hasn't been a great week for me to be honest. Been struggling a bit. I think this whole pandemic, MCO, is definitely taking a toll on me. I am used to working from home. But it's different, the restrictions, not being able to go out like normal. Wearing a mask, having to check your temperature, writing your details down, scanning the MySejahtera, the "x" on seats so you can't sit next to each other. 

My mood swings have been crazy, I can be fine, and just in a split second, I become extremely stressed and sad.  At times I can focus and get work done, a lot of times, I just get lost, stuck, and stumped. And it's a challenge to get back in the mood. I struggle each day. 

I just wish things can go back to normal. But at this rate, it seems pretty far fetched. Like it or not, I must adapt, find ways to destress and manage my emotions. It's unhealthy being this way. I have kids, and I have a home business to run. 

So I thought of blogging about this. Hoping that at least, it can help me release. Feel better about things. I know a lot are struggling right now. Things are not easy. If you are going through things, don't keep it to yourself. Have someone that you can confide in. For me, I guess blogging does help. 

I did say in my previous entries, I wanted to blog like every day. But skipped a few as I needed some time off. Had a lot on my mind. 

That is all... feel free to comment on how things are on your side. You can post anonymously. But I've to filter as I get spams a lot of the time. Let it out. We'll get through this together dear Internet friends. 

Much Love, Anna

Who still blogs, drop your links!

Okay for those who have a blog please drop your link as I will be adding them to my blog list on the sidebar of my blog right here. Hoping that you guys and myself will be active and make the blogging scene alive again. 

Will try my best to drop by your blogs, read, leave a comment. I think it's quite a good time to start blogging again, with this whole pandemic, PKP, and whatnot. At least we have another thing to do to take our minds off the stress of being all locked up. 

I just made some slight edits to this blog, removing and adding certain elements. Thought of changing the layout and header, but don't have any idea right now, so will leave it as it is for the time being. 

Okay so....... here it goes:

• Your name / social media link (Twitter, Instagram, e.t.c...)
• Your blog link
• Last date of post
• What is your blog about
• Have you read my old blogs especially Budu & Belacan?
• Your favourite blogs you used to read

So yeah, that's about it. Really hoping this isn't another one of my hot-hot chicken poop kinda thang. I really miss those blogging days. Alrite see ya in the comment section!

{Sue Anna Joe}

Twitter & Instagram menghancurkan era blogging?

Ternampak dua tweet ni dari @izzatisuza dan @seketultapir terus rasa semangat nak tulis blog balik. Tapi tiap kali ada cubaan, mesti gagal. Tulislah satu dua post, lepas tu berbulan baru update. Takda idea nak membebel apa. Camna lah dulu mampu update kerap, siap sehari boleh buat dua tiga post. Gila. 

Rasanya sebabkan Twitter dengan Instagram ni kita jadi malas nak menulis blog. Yelah, nak tulis blog ni, dahla kena karang panjang baru lah sedap sikit. Nak letak gambar pun, nak kena adjust placement lah apa. Kalau IG ke Twitter ke jauh lagi senang. Lepas tu interaction pun lebih mudah, nak like, komen, atau share balik. In other words blogging isn't convenient?

Anyway, I think I want to try and blog again every day. Whether someone reads it or not, shouldn't be my concern. Of courselah better kalau ada yang baca kan. But if I did think that way, I would be easily demotivated to write again. Also, as for the content? Honestly I have no idea. Kalau boleh, nak lah pengisian yang bagus kan. Buuuutttt to get me started I guess I should just write whatever. So I can get the feel and momentum. 

And, I find it hard to write either in just Malay or English. When I try, I terus jadi stuck nak tulis sebab pening nak guna ayat atau perkataan seterusnya. But not trying to publish a book, so will keep it informal and all jumbled up. 

Also hoping that by blogging often, I would spend less time on Twitter scrolling the timeline. I think I am a bit wayyyy too addicted to Twitter. But it's really a great place, have been getting art commission there quite a bit. And the art community there has been so supportive so not surprised why I am very attached to it. 

The ability to do threads now on Twitter is definitely makes blogging seem pointless. And as mentioned earlier, the ability to easily comment, like, share, add photos, the convenience of it all makes you wonder, why does one need to blog? So what is a good reason to start blogging again?

Well, I guess I will have to keep on writing to find out. Okay bye. Thanks to those who dropped by to read. Comments are appreciated. 

Bye!

psst: Tajuk dalam BM, last last in English. Aihhh.

{Sue Anna Joe}