Sunday, 16 August 2020

Finally, I'm a YouTuber?

So, lately I've been pretty active on my YouTube channel I've had that account since 2006. That was 14 years ago! Crazy. I was active on my DeviantArt and MySpace back then. But I didn't really post much on it. My most remembered video was me talking about my camera gear wearing a blue wig. 

Fast forward to today, I am now posting art contents. Mostly of me doodling, and LIVE streams as well. I do have some other videos posted, but I plan to make this channel heavy towards art stuff. I hope this isn't just another one of my phases (hangat-hangat tahi ayam).

While I'm at it, lemme just plug in my videos here. Let's start about my lame app review. It has the most views on my channel. The app is a camera app called NOMO. I think I should create an updated version as the one I did a review on is an earlier release. 

After this app review, I made a couple more but deleted it. And this was uploaded in 2018. 

Then, I posted like, 2 vlogs of places I went with my family. One is Farm in the City, the other is, Pustaka Peringatan P. Ramlee. Then didn't post anything for a while. 

Which brings me to this video, it's just me reading out one of my blog posts, haha. But I kinda made it fancy-ish with the video and subtitles. 

Theeeennnnn,  I posted a quick video of the Silhoutte Cameo 4, showing how it does a sketch. Have yet to fully explore this Cameo yet. Planning to produce stickers and a bunch of other things with it. When I do, will most definitely YouTube it. 

And now, I enjoy doing LIVE streams of me doodling. I've been doing it for a while now, but not through YouTube. I use Omlet Arcade to stream. I've tried streaming to Twitch, Facebook and YouTube. I think streaming at YouTube, followed by Facebook is my preference. Sometimes I talk, sometimes I've the audio muted during my LIVE streams. Either cause my kids are playing and being extra loud, or, I stream in the middle of the night before I sleep, so everyone else is sleeping, and I don't wanna wake 'em up. Here are my streams:

Followed by these streams, I published a bunch of other videos all related to my doodles and art stuff. In my head, I have so many things planned for this channel. And really hoping to grow it, big enough to be able to earn from it. Always thinking of ways to make an income from home. So, here are the videos I have so far. Check 'em out, and please do subscribe! Alrite, that's all. Love ya'all, byeeeee! 

Sunday, 17 May 2020

The art of letting go and moving on

There are times when you just wish you could erase certain memories. Memories that have caused you pain, sadness, perhaps even sparked a vengeful hatred. To fix mistakes that you've made. That you could go back in time, and choose another path in life, one that you'd think would be a better choice. 

But that is how life is, you can never reverse time. You can never erase your past. You can only learn from your past, let go and move on.

It's not easy. Especially when your past keeps on haunting you. You can't just simply let go because it just hurts you so much, because it has left such a huge impact, a painful wound leaving the deepest scar that you just can't seem to get rid of. 

The choices you've made, you can't undo. So all you have left is to face it, accept it, let go and move on. Either that, or just allow the past to be a burden that you'll carry the rest of your life. 

Letting go is not easy, but it's easier when you let go. 

I've tried letting go, yes it does make things easier. But boy was it tough. And to be honest, you can't truly/entirely let go. There will still be bits of pieces of the past left inside of you. It's just something you can't completely delete. But it's okay. Take those bits and pieces, repaint them, rebuild them, to create something better, to make a better you. And most importantly, not to repeat those mistakes you've made in the past.

Recently, I decided to no longer accept commissions. I had to refund a number of bookings. I thought I was able to complete them within a certain duration, unfortunately I became overwhelmed, extremely stressed which resulted my in a huge mental block, where I was unable to draw. 

This, has always been a problem I have been struggling with since a very very long time. I am not good at handling pressure, deadlines, to the point I just give up entirely. The stress is so much I fall into a depressive state and unable to function like a normal person. I would distract myself from the actual work in hopes to get into the mood and zone only to stray further away. 

And I end up beating myself about it, crying, feeling dissapointed, huge amount of guilt of not being able to complete.

Replying text messages, email, answering the phone was extremely difficult for me, it was such a daunting task. I would then just get so tired and exhausted, I'd sleep. Rather than trying to face my problems, resolving it, I just quit. I had no energy to do it.

This affected me throughout my life, cost me clients, made it hard for me to earn, and one of the major reasons I had to shut down my photography & design studio; Itudio Studio (after spending my lifetime savings setting it up).

So, then my life got crazy. And slowly I tried fixing it. And there is still so much to fix and improve on. But I believe I am a bit better.

Unfortunately recently my old attitude came about again with those commissions. My last customer made me realize that I have to do something about it and not let history repeat itself.

Knowing that I am unable to handle such stress, accepting commissions is just not for me. I will end up disappointing clients, which in the end disappoints me and makes me feel like a huge failure.

Which made me to finally decide that I should stop what I've been doing. Let go and move on. Because it isn't working out. It just isn't for me.

And as soon as I made that decision. I suddenly felt a huge burden off my shoulders. My mind was so much more clearer and am now so inspired and feel productive.

For me, being able to complete anything is a huge accomplishment! And within such a short time frame really is such an amazing feeling. The feeling of satisfaction is so motivating and positive.

So learn to let go, when to say no and when to say yes. And with that you will be able to move on. And even if you look back, you'll be strong enough to not let your past haunt you and drag you down.

{Sue Anna Joe}

Monday, 7 October 2019

Hitam Itu Menawan

Sooooo, macam biasa scroll timeline Twidda I terbaca kes mak Haneesya Hanee the Malaysian model saman some fellas sebab said her kulit was gelap like bubble tea and Hajarul Aswad. So okay, Hajarul Aswad tu serious melampaulah weiiii. Then, nampak pulak tweet Dr. Amalina pasal whitening skincare. Cerita pasal kulit hitam putih ni memang takkan habis. In fact I did blog about it in Budu dan Belacan. About my own issues about wanting fair skin. 

Having fair skin memang nampak lawa putih gebu, nampak macam bersih bersih gitu, sinar lagi terpancar. Nak pakai apa warna baju pun takda masalah. Come on, kalau ada baby baru lahir, kulit putih cerah, kita mesti akan komen, putihnya baby. Khenn. Kalau baby tu dark skin, kita akan diam, takda kata eh hitamnya babyyyy, cause we automatically associate hitam tu macam negative remark. Siap ada mitos masa pregnant jangan minum kopi nanti anak hitam, minum soya bagi anak putihlah ahaha gila. 

Then kalau zaman sekolah, perempuan yang kulit putih yang jadi hot stuff, popular. Maka yang kulit tanned exotic ni pun rasa lah down. Dah berapa banyak komen I baca, masing-masing yang berkulit tanned exotic ni cerita pengalaman selalu kena ejek kulit hitam. Pastu kalau lelaki yang komen lagilah, mulut macam puaka. Dia punya zass tu tak ingat. Kejam gila kalau lelaki mengata. Berbisa. 

My kulit isn't exactly very dark, but far from putih lah. But I wanted fair skin, bukan fairer but fair. I have used numerous whitening skincare. Fair and Lovely (masa sekolah rendah dah guna), then branded skincares like Estee Lauder, Biotherm, Shisheido, then yang less branded like L'Oréal, then yang local, macam Ibu Putih dan sebagainya. But I tak beranilah try yang jenis kulit peeling tu sebab scary wehhhh. Have also minum AuraWhite (which menjadi, but taklah putih gebu, it did help lighten my skin). Stopped sebab tak mampu nak maintain and of course risau nanti rosak organ dalaman in the long run.

Tapi sekarang banyak gila produk whitening. Dari sapu kat kulit, ke injection, ke makan. Baru-baru ni nampak ada bleaching product untuk kulit, sapu je nanti terus putih, eeee scary weh. Kau ingat kulit kita ni baju uniform sekolah ke nak clorox kasi putih. But desperate people do stupid things. 

Sekarang I dah tak kisah sangatlah nak putihkan kulit. Nak cerahkan supaya tak kelihatan kusam, tu ye. Even when I edit my photos I do brighten it up just so tak nampak kusam. Kita ni dah kena brainwash sejak kecik asal kulit putih je lawa. Also, kita tengok sahaja our royalty, am pretty sure most of 'em ladies have fair skin kan? So macam manalah kita tak associate kulit putih ni special?

It comes back down to us, as individuals to change our own mindset. Especially siapa yang kulit gelap, we shouldn't be ashamed to say it out loud, ye aku kulit gelap, hitam, so what? For those who have kids with darker skin tone, especially yang perempuan, kita as parents kena tanam dalam diorang, educate them, that you should love your skin tone no matter what. Bagitau tak perlu sibuk nak putihkan kulit tu. Yang penting be healthy and have healthy skin. 

Jadilah ibarat Boba Milk Tea. Walaupun warna Bobanya hitam, tetapi ia enak sekali dan menjadi kegemaran ramai.

{Sue Anna Joe}

Sunday, 6 October 2019

Am I too old for this?

Malas nak letak watermark. Gambar masa gi South Korea.

So I was saying on my Instagram story about how I felt like blogging but always ending up not knowing what to blog about. So here I am trying to give it a go again. 

Sooooo hi korang. Gosh this is awkward. My glorious blogging and social media days are over. Should prolly change my blog's name to Blog Sendu. Haha. Seriously though that is how I feel after coming back from quiting the Internet cold turkey. I had about 16k followers on my IG, 10k on Twitter. Came back, created new accounts and the response seriously underwhelming. IG 2.4k ish followers, Twitter tak sampai 1k, and my Facebook page, been losing "fans" each time I post, so like WTH am I doing wrong? Sorry but I am a stats whore. Trying not to be anymore. 

Kadang tu fed up gak, rasa macam why did I ever come back, or why did I even leave ya know? I did leave to kind of restart my life again after going through some turbulence in my life. And hoping for a fresh new me fresh new start, fresh new outlook. But noooo, when I got back, the social media scene was cray cray. Mutual followers back then have like berpuluh, beratus ribu and a even a million followers now. And like mushroom influencers here and there with a huge following. Like whaaaaaa. 

Sue Anna Joe who? Halaa halaa teringat that one fella who made a spoof MySpace page called Sue Anna Who.. haha macam apa je, but hey I deserved it. I was indeed a "righteous b*tch".. still waiting for that book to be published girl. I doubt any one has any idea what I am membebeling about, but if you do, then you knowlah what I mean. Those were the days kan? 

But I am old la. Dah patut move on benda alah gini. Duk rumah, jadi mak mak, jaga anak, ya know. Leave behind dunia Internet ni. But nooooo how can I not join all the makcik bawangs and be left out right? 

So here I am struggling to find a balance, to try and move on from my days back then, but still be somewhat relevant. But it is tough, dah rasa jauh tenggelam, kecil, kerdil, terkambus, dah tak terkejar. A lot of times it does get me down, which is stupid I know. Semua dunia. But yeah, a lot of my past after school was all social media and made who I was known for. So it's seriously tough to let go. 

But what I can do is... first don't be tough on myself. Don't push myself to make things to look all perfect and nice. No need to prove myself to anyone. Stop comparing myself to others, especially their achievements. Be grateful for the tiniest things in life. And of course remember ini dunia semua sementara. Gotta make the most of it for the life after yaw. Ye dok? Kang dah habis masa, menyesal pun tak guna ye dok. Even satu saat pun kita rasa rugi aku tak buat bekalan yang secukupnya. But how cukup is cukup? 

You know we spend so much time on social media, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube and other things Netflix e.t.c... padehal masa tu kita boleh guna untuk baca Qur'an, faham, hafal apa patut, zikir dan sebagainya.. yet we spend like perhaps 90% on worldly things and only 10% on ibadah. Even that 10% buat sebab wajib, and a lot of times masa beribadah tu kita duk teringat the 90% tu. Aduhhh. 

It's a struggle. It's a challenge we must face before it's too late. And by the way, kita perempuan yang paliiiing banyak temptation huwaaaa. Okaylah bai. Assalamualaikum. 

 {Sue Anna Joe}
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